Tag Archives: medical emergencies

Bad Doctor

 

I go to visit my cardiologist this morning. I’m excited because the last time I saw him, I was 35 lbs. heavier. When I mention this, he ignores me. But he’s an odd bird, so I repeat myself, thinking he might have missed it.

He just sniffs and says, “Hummm.” My cardiologist believes in medicine, only Western medicine.

He jiggered my prescriptions around the last time I saw him, as he has done on all my bi-annual visits for the last four or five years. Together we look at my recent lipid numbers, which have sank dramatically. He wants to take credit for this, pointing to the new “mix” of medicines he prescribed.

I laugh in his face.

“Diet and exercise,” I say. “That’s what’s got us those new low numbers.”

“Two words,” he says, “Arthur Ashe.”

Arthur Ashe? I vaguely remember him being into tennis, but I’m not a big tennis fan, so what do I know. “Didn’t he die of AIDS?” I ask.

“But he got the AIDS from a blood transfusion!”

I am looking at my cardiologist like he has lost his mind. What does death from blood transfusion have to do with diet and exercise?

“He only needed the blood transfusion because he needed a bypass.”

It’s an 8:30 am appointment and I haven’t had all my coffee, but I still don’t see the connection. Sensing my confusion, the doctor offers more.

“You’re not in better shape than Arthur Ashe.” He says this with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“But isn’t Ashe dead?” I ask.

Most studies extol the virtues of diet and exercise. I am shocked at my cardiologist’s myopic approach to treating heart disease.

What a hard-on.

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Don’t Cry for Me

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Just before Christmas, I joined a health club and started a rigorous weight reduction program. I’m thirty-five pounds lighter than I was in December.

Where did it all go?

Fitness centers are strange places. This one has dozens of sexy young trainers all dressed in the same uniform (dark blue sweat suits). It’s also a very big club, with long, double-wide corridors that seem to go on endlessly. As you walk from one huge room to another, all the trainers smile their big toothy smiles and nod their handsome heads.

Sometimes, striding through the club, it feels as if I’m stuck in an episode of Star Trek.

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Operation Christmas

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I almost had an appendectomy for Christmas! Almost. Instead, I kept my appendix and got injected with a small amount of narcotics.

Starting last Wednesday, I got stomach cramps and low grade fever. I’ve been on a diet, so I thought that might have something to do with it. I hunkered down. Come Friday afternoon, I still felt lousy. I called the doctor at the health club and followed his advice. Didn’t feel any better.

Next day I went to see the on-call doctor at my doctor’s office. He felt pretty strongly it was appendicitis and sent me to the ER. The ER doc said it’s definitely appendicitis and asked me to sign some forms while he talked to the surgeon. The surgeon said he wanted me to get a CAT scan. The CAT scan said my appendix was fine.

So I ended up spending the whole day Saturday in the ER and then I got to go home with my appendix, some stomach cramps, and a small injection of dilaudid.

Not a bad haul.

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Ultimate Humiliation: A Bunny-hopping Injury

I went to play laser tag yesterday with another dad and my kids. We ended up playing with a dozen other strangers, one of which was a teenager who started vigorously bunny-hopping when I tried to target him. Something about this kid immediately pissed me off. Not sure why, but I took a strong dislike to him that goes beyond mere bunny-hopping. We were in a game where hits were undervalued so I just walked up to him, held my laser inches from his high value shoulder sensor, and repeatedly knocked him out, his bunny-hopping be damned. This went on for about two or three minutes until he moved on.

I felt deeply satisfied with myself. So satisfied that I then attempted my own bunny-hop. I didn’t realize it, but I was standing on a slight incline. In a blaze of karmic glory, my 215 lb frame came down hard on my ankle, twisting it unmercifully.

My ankle hurts so bad I had to take off work today. There is little to no swelling. Do you use ice or heat for a twisted ankle?

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