Christmas Spoilers

I hate spoilers. I was at a church social right after the last Harry Potter book came out. Everyone knew they had killed off a main character, but nobody knew who it was. I humiliated myself and my family by scowling at one of the church ladies who couldn’t resist spoiling the book. I expect more from church ladies.

Here is my favorite spoiler story: We were taking my daughter, who was 4 years old at the time, to a Christmas play and we had one of her friends in the car. My wife and I had just started attending Catholic church that year and my daughter was enjoying a mild surge of curiosity about Jesus. We played up the idea that Christmas was baby Jesus’ birthday and got a little nativity scene for the house. From the back seat, I heard my daughter start humming a little Christian tune, “Jesus Loves Me.”

Then I heard her little friend say this: “Jesus? He’s dead. They stuck pins in his feet and hands and killed him.”

Horrified I looked over to my wife and saw she was looking back at me with the same astonished expression. From the back seat, my daughter, her voice rising three octaves, said, “Dadddddyyyyyy?”

It was very fucked up.

Trying not to appear too angry with her little friend, I said to my daughter, “We were just getting to that part, sweetie. I promise.” You don’t realize how ridiculous the whole Christian thing sounds until you try to explain it to a semi-hysterical four year old. “But the good news is, he rises from the dead three days later. No, really. It’s called Easter. And there’s this bunny. And you get lots of candy and stuff.”

“Just as good as Christmas. Maybe even better.”

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